Borderline
by ohdeariemegoodness
Summary: A man with an undiagnosed mental disorder. A woman who can't help but be a martyr. Because the greatest love stories don't have happy endings. Drabble. Rated M for language and mature content. No lemons.
1. An Author's Note

**Borderline Personality Disorder:**

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. **Note:** Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). **Note:** Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness

8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

**- Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM IV-TR)  
**

In some cases, BPD is characterized by uncontrollable episodes which occur in increasing frequency. These often physical displays of temper escalate in both intensity and seriousness and are often unprovoked or provoked by hallucinations, delusions, etc. Medication is rarely prescribed solely for BPD.

* * *

**This is not so much a story as a view into the way undiagnosed BPD can destroy lives. It follows Edward and Bella from the very beginning, but focuses more on characterization than anything else. Updates will be frequent, as I have all but one or two poem/drabbles written. Keep an open mind as you read- this particular style of telling a story is probably different than a lot of the stuff you read on here. **

**:] **

**Clarissa.  
**


	2. Premonition

**premonition**

alice and bella

had been best friends since the day they met,

when bella climbed a tree and broke her leg landing across the fence,

in alice's yard,

and alice held her hand and called nine-one-one.

little alice had been small enough to fit in the dollhouse

and pretty enough to win little miss washington, first runner up

(rosalie won, and alice was glad because rosalie actually cared,

and she didn't)

but strong enough inside to keep secrets

that no one could know.

sometimes, though,

they just slipped out.

the man you love is going to kill you,

alice had told her,

tiny alice,

dancer alice,

alice who always seemed to know what would happen first.

alice, who pretended like it was just a joke,

but they both knew that was a lie

and when he came through the door with fire in his eyes

and that rusty red axe in his hands

bella had her proof.


	3. Love at First Sight

**love at first sight**

the first time edward sees a piano,

he is three,

and he's at church.

he climbs up on the smooth wooden bench and presses the black and ivory keys

and it doesn't take him long to realize that each key makes a different sound

and while his mother talks to the pastor

he plays with the sounds until he hits a few that sound right together

and suddenly the music is just flowing out of him,

flowing from a place of calm and joy that he may never truly find,

and before he knows it he's taking lessons

and before he gets out of preschool he is a

prodigy.

julliard is the best thing that ever happens to him

(except for bella,

wonderful,

perfect bella)

but he gets kicked out when his piano breaks

and he can't find the place the music flows from anymore

and while he's looking his fist finds its way

into the instructor's overblown,

tomato-shaped head.


	4. Mirror

**mirror**

emmett claps edward on the shoulder,

congratulating him on a job well done.

edward laughs and smiles

and eats the dinner that bella made for all of them

(because she's the only one in their little group of six

who can cook to save her life)

with a grin.

but later,

when emmett and rosalie are gone

and jasper and edward are outside talking about manly things,

like tools and beer and football

or whatever it is men talk about when they're alone

(because how would bella know?),

alice tells bella to watch out around her brother,

because he gets angry

over nothing, really,

and then three days later edward proves her point

by punching the mirror because it was mocking him.

bella doesn't know it then,

but he keeps a shard

and whenever he feels lonely

he likes to drag it across his arms.


	5. Broken Glass

**broken glass**

as much as she loves him,

she can't help but wonder, sometimes,

if maybe everything would be different,

if maybe everything they had could be better,

if edward wasn't broken the way he is.

emmett is the first one to clue her in

because when she's at his house,

visting rosalie,

rosalie drops a bowl

and it shatters into a million tiny pieces all over the floor,

and when she tries to pick it up she cuts herself

and bella sort of cringes and waits for emmett

to explode like edward would,

except he just laughs and tells

rose, babe

to just let him get a broom and sweep that up

before she hurts someone and

later when bella asks her about it

she seems confused

about what bella's really asking.


	6. Proposal

**proposal**

sometimes there are bad days,

but other times,

things are great.

like when they go to the fair and he buys her cotton candy

just so he can watch her eat it

or like when he comes through the door

with a different kind of fire in his eyes

and a bright blue flower in his hands

or like when they go for a walk in the woods

and get lost so they spend hours just enjoying the scenery

until the rescue party finds them.

or like when they're at her favorite restaurant

and he gets down on one knee and holds out his mother's ring

and tells her that he knows it's cliché, but-

and she says yes before he can even finish

because she wants him to be happy, too,

and even though it doesn't always work

alice swears he's better than before.


	7. Leaving

**leaving**

nothing is wrong with him,

nothing,

and he doesn't understand why those pills are taunting him,

in their little orange container

sitting at the top of the medicine cabinet.

when bella gets home

from grocery shopping

she leaves the door open

and the wind slams it shut

and the noise is too much,

too much,

and edward lets out a roar

and charges the wall

and teaches it a lesson that it will never fucking forget.

bella cries

and then he cries

and he's sorry,

so sorry,

please forgive me

i swear i'll never do it again sorry,

sorry enough to promise that if he does it again

she can leave and he'll let her-

except when that day comes he locks the door

and swallows all his pills at once

so she'll have to stay with him

and call an ambulance

and stay by his side for weeks while he tosses and turns

and pulls out his iv cord

and yells at the nurses

and throws up every single thing he eats.


	8. A Stick Up

**a stick up**

one day,

edward comes to visit bella at the bank where she works.

he has barely walked in when two men pull out guns

and announce that if everyone does as they're told,

no one will have to get hurt.

edward sits down but when one of the men points a gun at bella

and demands all the money

he can't hold it in anymore

and his mind goes blank

and he grabs a lamp and knocks the first man out

and when the second one hears the thump

he turns around and fires

and edward is hit in the leg but he doesn't even notice,

just charges the man and beats him with the lamp

so bad it sends him into a coma.

the paramedics tell him he could've died

and the cops tell him he's an idiot

but all edward can think about is that man

with the greasy black hair and brown leather jacket

pointing a gun at his girl

and he can't help but wonder how hard it would be

to get into his hospital room and finish the job.


	9. Dancing

**dancing**

bella laughs

and dances around the bedroom

and edward saves her from falling not once,

but twice,

and he feels like that should make him angry but it doesn't,

it doesn't,

and for the first time in a long time

he starts to relax,

starts to stop feeling like he's walking on a tightrope

over a pool of fire

and starts feeling like

maybe he's already made it over.

and then she falls again

and he isn't fast enough to catch her

and he's angry,

so angry,

and he yells at her for being so stupid,

so clumsy,

and then she gets this look on her face

and the anger starts to drain away

and he doesn't know what to do and the first thing that comes to mind is

shitfuck

so that's what he says and she laughs

and it's all good again.


	10. Screaming

**screaming**

edward knows that

he really should take his medication,

but those puke green pills

sitting on his bathroom counter

(HIS bathroom counter,

not hers)

are just staring at him

and he's starting to get the feeling

that they're out to get him

just like everyone else.

so instead he flushes them down the toilet

and he pretends he can hear

them screaming

(or can he really?)

and somehow that

doesn't make him feel angry,

just empty,

because the pills are leaving him too,

like everyone does eventually.


	11. Artist

**artist**

yesterday,

bella was perfect,

a goddess on a golden throne

that edward could never quite reach.

but today

she can do no right

because she put too much celery in his tuna fish

and left his favorite shirt to wrinkle in the dryer

and when she forgets to unplug the toaster

something snaps

and he introduces her face to the counter,

bringing her back down to earth with him

by painting purple and black and blue

all over that too-perfect face.


	12. Thirst

**thirst**

edward paces up and down his room,

snarling,

growling,

muttering pieces of nonsense to himself

that he pretends make sense

but really he's just angry

and the muttering makes him feel more threatening.

a crunch sounds and when he looks down,

he finds a water bottle on the floor,

and he picks it up and tilts it to his mouth

and even though he knows perfectly well its been there for months

and even though it tastes like cheerios and dust

he drinks and drinks and drinks and drinks

and all that water starts him thinking

about what it would feel like to drown.


	13. Bad Times

**bad times **

the room is dark and smoky.

bella wants to leave

but she can't because edward is drunk,

drunk enough to start breaking things

and refusing to listen to her

but not drunk enough to just pass out.

so she's sitting in the bar,

ignoring the leers of the men

and pretending the women aren't talking about the bruise on her face.

emmett finally gets there,

exhausted and being hounded by paparazzi

(that's what he gets for being a pro football player,

she wants to say,

but she doesn't because he looks so tired)

and he knocks edward out with a tap to the head

and carries him out to the car

and drives them home.

on the way back,

he eyes her bruise

and offers her a home in the guest bedroom.

if she didn't love edward so much

being apart made her physically sick,

she thinks she would probably take it.


	14. Illustration

**illustration**

for her birthday,

edward buys bella a painting.

the background is in pale blues and soft purples,

the oil paint mixed with enough turpentine it's practically a watercolor.

but the true painting is in undiluted oil,

vivid reds and oranges slicing across the canvas

in a way that has a strange,

feral beauty to it.

the more bella looks at it,

the more she sees things as they really are.

but for some reason,

it doesn't really bother her to be the weak background

to edward's brilliant streaks of color and life and anger.

she'll be his punching bag

for as long as he loves her.


	15. Fade

**fade **

edward is gone for a long time.

months.

it starts when edward throws the kitchen table through a window

and it ends when they find him passed out in a gutter in paris.

every second without him

is like an old movie,

no sound or color.

every moment without edward by her side

is like ripping out her heart again and again,

like being burned alive.

bella thinks about killing herself

(tries, actually)

but jake saves her

(jumps off a cliff into that cold, hard water).

jake, her personal sun.

jake, her best friend.

jake, who fills that empty whole,

patches over that jagged wound.

jake, who will never be edward.

and when edward comes back,

she falls right back into his arms,

and jake gives her an ultimatum:

me or him.

unfortunately for jake,

bella knows who she belongs to.


	16. Memory

**memory**

sometimes,

bella wonders why she loves edward so very much,

even though he's mentally unstable

and he refuses to take his meds

and he gets angry over nothing

and sometimes he takes it out on her,

leaving scars that will never heal.

and half the time when he's not angry he's depressed,

and there's nothing she can do about it,

nothing,

but whenever she starts to wonder too much,

all the good times come rushing back,

every time edward has ever told her she's beautiful

and woken her up with a kiss

and shown up at her work just to visit

because he missed her.

she remembers the little notes he leaves her-

i love you,

you're beautiful,

look out the window i left you a surprise-

stored in places like her purse

or on the toaster

or even in the bathroom beside her hairbrush.

and then she forgets to remember all the things

that make her ache inside.


	17. Red Light, Green Light

**red light, green light**

when bella comes home,

edward isn't there.

the car isn't in the garage

and it isn't like him to not leave a note

and she starts to get worried so she calls everyone,

and when nobody knows where he is

she does

so she hops in the truck and heads for the emergency room

and when they call her, she's already halfway there.

a car accident,

they tell her,

but she knows better.

edward cullen

doesn't do car accidents.

edward cullen drives into oncoming traffic on purpose,

and even though she knows it's not really her fault,

that he must be flushing his pills again,

she can't help but wonder if maybe it really is her fault,

if maybe it's her fault for keeping her job

and not being home all the time

to stop him when he starts to break.

the next day, she calls her boss.

they'll need to find a replacement. it shouldn't be too hard.


	18. Vicodin, 750 mg

**vicodin, 750 mg**

edward juggles the fat white pills in his palm,

unsure why he needs them so much

but sure that if he doesn't have some right now

he is going to rip a hole in something,

anything,

anyone.

when he pops them in his mouth

and downs them with enough whiskey to knock a lesser man out,

it doesn't occur to him to wonder why these pills always seem so friendly

when his real medicine is always plotting against him.

it doesn't take long for the vicodin to guide him

to a place where everything is soft and pleasant and calm

and never angry-

never,

ever angry.


	19. Fall

**fall**

winter is his favorite season

because in winter,

everything is just as empty and dead as he is all the time.

but edward takes a special joy in fall-

watching the things that were once so bright and happy and alive

wither away

and become like him.

somehow,

fall makes the rest of the world seem

not quite so far away-

like maybe,

just maybe,

if he tried hard enough

he could become a real part of it.


	20. The Change

**the change **

bella knows that she should probably be

terrified

and at first,

when she didn't expect this,

she was

(and still is, a little)

but somehow,

the way the anger consumes him,

turns his eyes black

and wipes his mind blank,

changes him into a completely different edward,

is less terrifying

and more fascinating.

the change may be painful

(as the bruises on her face can attest)

but it's thrilling.


	21. Forest

**forest**

bella leans into edward,

the cool night breeze swirling around them.

the stars twinkle and shine,

dancing in the sky

like diamonds.

bella plays with the ring around her finger

as she hums quietly,

soothing the beast.

edward is twitchy

and every once in a while he starts shaking his head

or gets up and paces.

he's tense,

which is bad

but good too

because when it finally gets to be too much

edward lets out a growl

and flips her over

and his fingers do a lovely job

of making her forget all about the rocks digging into her back

and the bruises she's going to have in the morning.


	22. Tears

**tears **

bella cries,

big, fat tears rolling down her cheeks

like raindrops on a windshield.

sometimes, everything just gets to be too much,

too hard,

which is why right now

she's crying into emmett's shoulder

instead of looking for edward.

they lost the baby.

her baby.

her perfect, precious, little girl-

renesmee.

there would be a funeral,

a service to commemorate the little spark of life

that barely lasted three days after entering the world.

they lost the baby.

and now edward was gone, too,

run off to drown his pain in drink

like she was trying to do with her tears.

emmett rubs her back in concentric circles

as she screams

and cries

and digs her fingernails into her clenched fists so hard

her palms bleed.

when edward returns,

he smells of sweat and smoke and blood and jack,

his black eye swollen and shiny,

and emmett pretends not to see when he cries.


	23. No One

**no one**

edward throws a lamp at the creature,

sending glass shards flying

as the lamp explodes against the wall.

the creature laughs and jumps out of the way easily,

mocking him.

can't catch me,

it taunts.

no you can't.

edward growls and lunges for it,

but the creature disappears in a puff of smoke

and his arms wrap around thin air.

the creature appears behind him,

pointing and laughing.

tricked ya,

it mocks.

tricked ya, you dumb brute.

edward lets out a roar

and charges for it,

but this time he only manages to destroy a bedroom door.

the creature laughs again,

jumping on top of furniture

and taunting him,

as elusive as a ghost.

bella's scream rings throughout the house.

edward tells her to shut up,

he's trying to catch this dang thing.

there's no one there,

she tells him,

and that's when edward knows she's on their side,

working against him.

the one person he thought he could trust.

there's no one there,

she repeats,

and the creature takes up the cry.

no one,

it taunts,

dancing a jig on top of his chest of drawers.

no one's there.

i'm no one!

it cries,

with a manic laugh.

no one!


	24. Aftermath

**aftermath**

his chest hurts.

he knows he should be thinking about other things,

like where is he?

and why isn't bella here with him?

but his chest hurts.

it hurts so bad he starts to wonder if he might be dying

(finally)

and he tries to bring his hands up to apply pressure

but he can't move them-

metal bracelets are attaching them to the bed.

looking down, he realizes there is something red all over him.

ketchup?

paint?

he can't tell. maybe he was eating dinner before he ended up here.

or maybe he was painting the shed. he's always meaning to do that.

his chest hurts.

his adoptive parents show up,

standing at the foot of the bed.

a man in blue won't let them any closer.

why is esme crying?

his chest hurts.

and all that red stuff is really starting to bother him.

why does his chest hurt so much?

the pain combined with the red stuff is coaxing the anger out,

out of the place it hides when he takes the friendly pills,

the happy white ones that make everything calm and soft and wonderful.

the anger growls and then his chest hurts some more

and the anger lets out a roar,

or maybe he does

and suddenly the bed is shaking

and then his chest hurts so bad,

so bad,

and the room is moving so far away

and somehow the pain fades and crests at the same time

and everything goes black.


	25. Lost

**lost**

charlie knows it's wrong,

that it wasn't edward's fault he was crazy

and that those meds he was taking were just making it worse

but he still can't help but hate

the man who chopped up his little girl

with an axe,

like some horror move murderer.

he can't help but be glad

that the man died like he deserved,

and painfully,

esme said.

and no defensive wounds, they say?

he doesn't believe that.

can't.

he was against it from the start, you know,

from the very first time he saw the bruises on her arms,

but she just wouldn't leave,

she just wouldn't.

he doesn't want the nurse's stupid tissue.

he's not crying.

he's not.


	26. AN: The End

**sigh.**

**i loved writing this, no lie. i'm definitely going to use this style for full stories again. **

**i know it was a bit short, but i had to finish it today because i leave for governor's school tom, and a month-long hiatus in my story would pretty much just kill it. so it is what it is. **

**anywho, thank you oh-so-much for reading! review, pretty please. a little feedback will really help my next story.**

**goodbye, loves! see you in a month!**

**:]**

**clarissa.**

**p.s. if you read mortal instruments fic, and you like the style of this story, i've got several alec/izzy drabbles you may like. i know the pairing is a bit odd but i like it anyway. :]  
**


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